Reader Frustrated ‘Crazy Wife’ writes,
I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog. You are awesome and an inspiration to all working moms. I’m currently in a version of a Mr. Perfect and His Crazy Wife marriage. Just some background info, I come from a really abusive, neglectful and traumatic childhood and am currently under the care of a therapist and psychiatrist.
I made the decision not to discuss my past with my husband and he is under the impression I grew up in a “typical” household. He is devoid of emotion and we basically do not speak except for small talk once in a blue and don’t spend any time together, we have sex regularly because I know men need it for intimacy but I can care less and in actuality our sex life sucks.
We argue all of the time, a lot of times (mostly child-rearing, division of labor, finances, etc.) it’s him being passive-aggressive telling me I’m crazy and that he will not engage in arguments and leaving the room or the house immediately. I’m extremely volatile in response, screaming and spewing threats to get some emotional response.
My husband refuses to go to therapy or discuss our relationship and says that he doesn’t care about our relationship. He will never leave or divorce due to financial reasons and he doesn’t want to split up our family. I’m not looking for perfection just a better relationship dynamic. Any advice on how to improve this situation? Thank you!
Dear FCW,
I am sorry things have gotten to such a terrible point. Nobody deserves to live in a marriage like the one you describe, and your kids don’t deserve to witness it either. I know that you are in therapy, and that is great. But there is only so much that you can work on yourself while you are stuck in this miserable situation.
Although of course I have not met you and cannot diagnose you, it seems like you may have some traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. This comes from being a sensitive child growing up in an invalidating/abusive home, and it sounds like that describes your upbringing. Now, you have subconsciously replicated your childhood by marrying a man who is emotionally unavailable and even emotionally abusive. You are engaging in fights that are probably similar to what you saw growing up, and your kids may have a better childhood than you did, but they are still being impacted by the dynamic they see between you and your husband.
Your husband has his own issues, and it is unlikely that his upbringing was that great either. But if he refuses to work on himself and/or your marriage in counseling, then you will have to make the tough decision of whether this marriage is viable. You say that he won’t leave you, but are you considering leaving him? If the children are observing the dysfunction that you describe (and they see/her more than you think they do; think back to your own childhood for corroboration that this is true), then it may be better for them if you leave.
In my mind though, there may be a chance that your husband will in fact decide to join you in marital counseling. You would, though, have to go outside your comfort zone and be honest with him about your childhood. You need to approach him in a new way for him to potentially respond in a new way. You can say something like, “I know that you have said that you don’t want to go to counseling with me. But I also know you love our children. Neither of us wants to raise our children in a home with constant anger, fighting, and bitterness. I haven’t be fully honest with you about my own childhood, but it was very abusive and neglectful. It is hard for me to talk about. But I think that my upbringing underlies a lot of the way that I respond to you when you call me ‘crazy.’ I want to work on our dynamic because it makes me sick that our kids are watching and hearing us fight, and that they may then grow up and get into marriages like ours. If I schedule an appointment for Friday, will you please come to counseling with me? If we can’t make our home healthier for our kids, then we need to seriously discuss divorcing.”
If your husband says no, even if you approach him in an open way where you own your part of the marital conflict, then I highly recommend discussing with your therapist the idea of ending the marriage. But, if your husband knows you’re serious, and it’s either counseling or divorce, then he may choose counseling. And if he does, then you two can work on your dynamic, and hopefully break the cycle and create a healthy home for your children.
Best of luck, and please keep me updated. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Kids Replicate What They See At Home.
